why so weak?

i don't get it, why am i so weak? i thought after all the things i've been through i'd be stronger than who i already was..
truth is .. i'm still weak, i need to shape up and build my strength back together.
two days ago.. he's saw me in tears .. that's not good is it? i couldn't help myself , he likes his classes.. i don't think he wants to switch like he said he would on sept 9th. & i don't wanna be selfish and tell him to switch just for me... that's just too selfish, even though that's what i wanted inside i can't ask for it. i didn't want to cry but you know i just can't help it. before summer started, i'd worry that we wouldn't make it through, as summer was coming to an end, i'd worrry about school. & now school starts .. and it turns out that i can only see him 3 times a day.. why do i think about it so much? i wonder if he does too .. and i don't even know why i cry.
& right now .. 1:22 PM .. i can't even give myself a reason to why i have tears in my eyes , sigh .. all i see in myself is disappointment right now, i should really fix myself up .. because that day when i was sad .. he came over after school and we just talked & stuff. it wasn't so good, i guess because i wasn't in the mood, he assumed i wasn't happpy to see him & said "ima go home" & at that moment.. i felt even worse because i just made things worse.. as i hugged him i teared but he didn't notice. then i wouldn't go inside & said ima stay outside in the rain for a bit. he asked me why? & coming from a silly girl like me i guess i made up some stupid excuses and he definitely didn't believe me. i sat down on the wet steps and in the rain .. with him next to me but i looked the other way. i didn't want him to see me cry .. but he made me look at him & eventually he knew the reasons why i had tears in my eyes .. he made me feel better i guess .. but the thought is still in my head .. :x i can't get it out .. i guess im going to need some time & get used to all of this ...