I don't know what's going on right now, all I know is that it isn't good. It isn't doing good for either one of us. Last night, I already knew I'd have a bad day coming knowing that I went to bed crying. And I don't know if you're going to read this or not, but I don't think you come & read much anymore. I want you to read this, yet I don't want you to. You're right, when we talked I really didn't seem like I wanted to talk to you. And honestly I don't know if I really did or not. I told you I was mad last night, and I don't know if I still am. But at this level, I think I am. I had somewhat of an urge to text you last night since I couldn't fall asleep with so much in my head. But I wouldn't know what to tell you because I can't even give myself an exact reason why I'm mad. Now you're mad and you're being stubborn. But I think I'm being stubborn as well. I feel like texting you right now, and tell you that I'm so upset. But then when you'd ask me why.. I think I'd freeze and not know what to say. So therefore, I'd rather not. Maybe it's because you're ditching me for handball two days in a row. As if you can't say no, really... why couldn't you tell them no you already have something to do. It somewhat relates to what I told you the other night when I said you'd say things but end up not doing it for whatever reason it is. You said you'd come over on Wednesday, but you woke up late & also promised bobby you'd go to the gym with him, but didn't you also tell you you'd come over? So you tell me you'd come on thursday instead & later on you've already planned to go handball again. Then you tell me we'll go to the movies on friday. I somewhat made plans but it wasn't no big deal. Until you told me you have a tournament to go to.. and again you just can't say no. I got really pissed, I didn't even want to talk anymore. Because you just made it seem like nothing happened. You tell me how you would feel if I made plans with you and continuously changed it because someone else asked me to do something with them. Once or twice is fine, but really three times? It makes me seem as if you get to handball only once in a while at this weather but you can see me anytime you want, so you'll just go play handball & explain to me later. You know I'm really considerate and patient with you, I would do anything.. almost anything to keep us from fighting. Sometimes I'd rather put up with it and just get over it myself and pretend like nothing happened so we won't have another fight. But there's only so much patience and consideration.. you can't just keep throwing it all at me. And I'm not saying you do it on purpose, but it upsets me.. it really does.
Is our new year coming along so well? I'm afraid to say it really isn't. We fought the first night.. it's funny because I was the one mad.. but I chose to put up with it because I really didn't want to fight on that day but you chose to get mad. So then we argued, and eventually it was over. Then I didn't talk to you much, because you were on cs. I didn't exactly complain.. I just let you know what I was thinking. So you talked to me more and it really was great. Then I saw you on Tuesday. It was great too, but then when I was planning to talk to you that night you just went to cs so I just read my book. I'm fine with it, then the next day you have your own plans instead of coming over. Then I get mad.. then now this. And I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe you wouldn't even text me tonight and you probably won't go on aim either. Maybe you'd just go on cs and see if you get a text.. if not then oh well. What if that really happens? Because I honestly don't know if it'll matter to you because you'll be on cs anyways but me.. silly me I'd stare at my aim, waiting for your IM, I'd stare at my phone craving for your text. And if I don't get it, maybe I'd decide to give in & message you but if I don't I'll sense another bad day coming. Because I really don't want to be the one messaging you. But then again, how would you know why I'm mad if I didn't exactly tell you. But I still want that chase.. will I get it? or are we going to be stubborn with each other again? I really don't know .. yet again I might even text you later and tell you how upset I really am deep down there. I just know all this .. isn't doing any good to neither of us.