perseverance

tell me what to do. tell me where we are, where i stand, where we stand. are we at the edge of a mountain top or just in the middle, safe and sound. i'm really not sure, there isn't a guaranteed answer to this question even if there was an answer to it. one can only try so much, once your part's done, it just seems to be the end of trying. these ten months wasn't an easy path; we've made many stops wondering, thinking and all that crap but at the end, we kept going.
i'm so tired, i want carefree-ness. i want true happiness, i'm tired of crying. i feel stupid for crying. i really don't want to cry anymore. i don't want to be the same weak ariel i was. I need to grow up, and live with the truth besides be a baby and cry about it. I honestly don't know how things are going right now. I looked in your eyes just starring, i didn't see anything. you looked mad, angry but i didn't see any emotions. You just looked at me every so often, with a blank face. You think i want to break up and i'll admit i've thought of it because i felt so hopeless but i knew the feeling of hopelessness is much better than regret. In life, i don't regret much. At first i tend to but then i learn my lesson and stick with what's real and what's not. everything that happened has a reason behind it and sometimes we may not think it's a reasonable reason but it's the truth. And one day, all of us will have to face it and grow up. I don't know how we'll be, no one knows the future and i don't know how we'll end if we do. Each one of us are made to make mistakes and i've made plenty of them. It seemed to have hurt you too but i guess i didn't know. & i'm sorry. i really am, i apologize. i don't want to give up on us just like this. But i know it can happen within a blink but it's only up to us whether it will happen or not.
Am i really pushing you away? because that's exactly what i don't want to do. I was afraid to tell you how i felt two weeks ago because i was scared that you'd give up and let us go. You told me you wouldnt, turns out i really am pushing you away but i swear that i'm really not doing this on purpose. You mean a lot to me, i really really don't want to lose you, i'm not losing feelings or thinking about breaking up because i want to. it doesn't just torture you, i feel every tingle and it aches each time ..