clueless.

today just wasn't the best day ever, i was left disappointed last night and yet again in the morning. i didn't get a call from him, i thought maybe he himself didn't wake up yet. So i decide to call but when i call, he's already off to school. Disappointed as i was, i still wouldn't give up to think he is mad as well. So i thought, maybe he's suprising me? coming to pick me up since he's early .. i thought and i thought. i called him at 7 to see if he'd pick up. He was on the train, with no service. & my hopes finally fall, i'm done sticking up for him. I was very pissed, all i thought was what could happen in school? I got to school, at first i didnt even see him until annazhang told me he was right there. He was with bobby and talking to some girl. i walked over, he didn't say anything to me, all i had in my head was, did he not realize i was mad? everyone else did, i was sure.
After spanish, he came.. not a word again. When we got to the second floor.. this time he grabbed my waist and kissed me but i just walked away. Was i wrong for doing that? Yoga helped me relax just a bit. Then after fourth, nicky asked what's going on? jimmy just left. I got pissed again b/c the pathetic thing is .. i was looking for him. After 6th, he asked me what was wrong.. why i'm mad. all he thought was handball.. i told him to think about it & i already knew he was starting to get pissed.
I texted him & asked if he had any idea.. but he wouldn't tell me anything.. and told me i had to tell him first and if i didnt, he wouldn't say anything either. how great. sounds very mature doesn't it? he didn't seem to care.. at all. i thought that he would want to solve the problem and find out why i was really mad.. but he didn't say anything to me. Knowing me, i was stubborn and scared to say anything in person, 1 becuase he was going to leave for handball anyways. 2 i didn't want to cry because i knew i would, 3 because i wanted him to say something. But nothing, i kind of had an urge to ask him if he even cared.. but i was scared to so when he got off the bus he didn't even look at me when he said bye and just left. I texted him and asked if he did care or not.. he got pissed because i wouldnt talk to him in person but i'd text him. It is true, i feel shameful for that, as if after nine months together, i'm still scared to say something face to face. But in my mind, i didn't want to talk online.. i needed a face to face conversation. but it didn't happen.
I texted him & asked if he could come over after handball depending on the time, was i selfish for asking that? I really don't know what's going to happen to us after this fight. My confidence has gone down the drain. It's 5:20PM, i'm starring out the window.. hoping it'll get darker earlier so he'd check his phone and think about coming. My phone hasn't vibrated and i'm starting to think it won't.
How come this happens when i'm the one mad this time? and out of all the other times.. it's all good at the end. But as of right now, it's still not good. & i'm trying to think.. think of maybe it was my fault and i shouldn't have gotten mad. But it can't seem to get through my head to give me a reason not to be mad. Yeah.. maybe i can forget about what happened yesterday.. but what happened today just shocks me. i just can't believe this .. i think if it was the old times , he'd care just so much more than he does now. Or could he be stubborn like me and not seem to care? i really don't have a clue.